Sleeping with our babies…the good, the sad and the snuggly
Content warning: discussion of SIDS
One of the most difficult parts of early parenting has got to be the lack of sleep. Most parents are worried about this before their baby is even born. Being woken multiple times a night, and staying awake for periods of time feeding and settling is exhausting especially when you’re adjusting to a whole new life with your new baby. Something that parents are often drawn to is sleeping with their babies. Very quickly new parents work out that babies sleep for long periods of time on them but only short bursts in their cots or moses baskets. There is a very good reason for this. It’s babies’ survival instinct to know when they are separated from their Mum or Dad, to wake up and sound the alarm. It made total sense thousands of years ago when there were real physical dangers lurking nearby but not so much now, safe in their cots but they’re babies and they need to learn this over time.
So exhausted parents all over the world, feeding their babies, cuddled up in bed, feel that natural urge to fall asleep together and some do. In lots of cultures it is common place and considered completely safe and in others it would be seen as neglectful to sleep separately from your child. And in others it is used to actively promote healthy development. So where did our fear of co sleeping come from?
Short answer The Victorians. Now there’s a lot of worrying parenting practices coming out of the Victorian time, as most of us know, a time where, ‘character formation was considered the most important goal of child rearing’ (Historian, Nelleke Bakker). Victorian parenting consisted of regular beatings, going to work at the age of 4, not being shown affection and yep, you guessed it, sleeping separately. All of this to bolster a strong worker…
We now know that so many of these ideas were damaging and created a disconnected child, the science is there, love and affection create happier and healthier children. Jean Lidloff’s book The Continuum Concept helped to create the change we needed to a deeper connected way of parenting in the 70s. She lived with a tribe who never put their babies down until they were developmentally ready, when they chose to crawl away, and noticed how they were in optimal health and deeply bonded to their care givers. Soon after, the attachment style of parenting began to emerge with breastfeeding on demand, baby wearing and co sleeping became more common. But even though we know the benefits of touch and oxytocin, we still struggle to sleep with our babies.
So we need to talk about SIDS (Sudden Infant Death syndrome). Such a scary word for any parent. SIDS and co sleeping have been linked over the years and because of this, some parents are just too scared to do it. I totally understand this, why take the risk? With anything like this, it’s really important to look at the numbers. What I found so interesting is when I went looking, the main safe sleep sites didn’t list the plain facts easily for parents to find.
Apart from using the term rare, The Lullaby Trust say this on their main parent page…
‘Around 88% of SIDS deaths happen when a baby is six months old or less.’
Now for any worried new parent, that number looks big, 88%…but 88% of what? So then I go into the professionals section of the website, not the general website, why I wonder? I’m guessing it’s because the site believes they are being sensitive and helpful by not bringing hard facts to expectant parents. However in my personal and professional experience, parents are thinking about this stuff anyway so rather than help you avoid it which often breeds more fear, let’s gently take a look together.
The figures for SIDS in the UK in 2017 were 0.27 per 1000 live births which in percentage terms is 0.027% of babies died of SIDS, 88% of that is 0.023%.
These figures are very small but yes, very very sad. And I completely understand that any parent would want to avoid this heartbreak at all costs and may see any risk as too great and that’s what drives the need to sleep separately when it is implied as a safer option.
It’s very hard as new parents to simply look at the stats, when the message is clear from these reputable sleep sites…
‘To reduce the risk of SIDS for your baby, follow our evidence-based safer sleep advice –such as sleeping your baby on their back in a clear cot or Moses basket – for the first six months.’ The Lullaby Trust
After trawling the BASIS site, I couldn’t find any clear stats for parents until I went again, in to the practitioners section and found this…
So in fact, there’s a 50/50 chance whether asleep with their parents or in a cot and if done safely, co sleeping is the safer option?
So this drive for safe sleep is actually to prevent avoidable accidents, not because co sleeping is dangerous but because dangerous practices have been used to do it.
What is also interesting in the BASIS stats is that up to 50% of babies will sleep with their parents in the first three months whether intentionally or not. This further backs up the natural situation of parents and babies sleep dynamics in those early weeks and it driving a need to co sleep whether you want to or not. So even more reason to know how to do it safely.
Another factor we can’t ignore is consumerism playing a part. How many different types of cots have you seen? There’s moses baskets and cots, bedside sleepers and baby hammocks, close to me cribs and keep me close cots, there’s gadgets to check breathing and temperature, to warm the cot, cot bumpers and mobiles…it’s endless and confusing. The message with these products is clear, babies need to be separate to be safe and we all know how the advertising industry plays on parents’ anxieties as a marketing tool. What do you need if you choose to bed share…nothing. Again we can thank the Victorian era for popularising cots as a luxury elite item and a mark of status, nothing whatsoever to do with the wellbeing of the child. Until the Edwardian times, when the poorer classes lived in very unsanitary conditions and believed sleeping separately would pass less germs to the baby. However we now know that close proximity increases a baby’s immunity and if breastfeeding a baby, they will get antibodies from their mother anyway.
So once again as a new parent you are faced with working out what is right for you in a sea of misinformation. Cots are safe if used correctly. Co sleeping is safe if done correctly. So as always consider what is right for you and your baby as only a parent can.
Doula love
Jen
xx
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