Mother to mother
There is no greater resource for motherhood than other mothers. Mothers are living it, every. single. day. and having other Mums around to lean on and learn from is invaluable.
If you can manage to get out and meet some other Mums at local groups, you could build some lifelong friendships. Lots of towns have facebook groups now for Mums as well as apps like Mush. The Positive Birth Movement groups which are free, and welcome postnatal Mums.
As for other groups, you may have a nice group through your NCT gang but you may not have done NCT. There is NO pressure at all to take your baby to classes, so don’t feel you have to, I never did. Classes are more for a bit of routine and some company than anything, your baby doesn’t need them, a day with you stimulates them plenty but it can be nice to do these focussed activities together and get out of the house.
Baby massage is lovely to get to know your baby and their cues and you learn a soothing skill which can continue into childhood. Baby sensory groups are popular now, where your baby gets to hang out and play with lights and objects to support their development. So it might be good ahead of time to see what’s out there.
A mum recently said to me she was going to create a what’s on timetable for the week so if she didn’t have any plans and fancied getting out, she knew what was on offer. Churches often run weekly playgroups as well as local libraries offer rhyme time which is storytelling and singing but you also can’t beat just meeting up with a good friend for a coffee.
And what would I say as a mother, and as a doula, TRUST YOURSELF. Noone is you and knows your baby like you. There is SO much out there to confuse you, the only place you’ll really find the answers is within you. The lack of sleep and feelings of vulnerability will make you question yourself, but if you can make some time to get quiet and listen, you’ll get all the answers you need.
I recently wrote a blog post on co sleeping with this in mind.
So because mother to mother love is so invaluable I asked some of my Mum friends to share their love and wisdom with you…
What would you say to a first time Mum?
‘I wish I’d focused less on the stats and more on getting to know my baby.
The obsessive focus on counting number of feeds, nappies, analysing growth charts not to mention the holy grail of sleep (or in my case sleeplessness) caused me months of stress, anxiety and tears. There’s a pressure to conform to a routine and to do things by the book - whatever that means - I still don’t know. I wasted too much energy on it and if I had my time again I’d love to throw out the books, go with my instinct and spend the time enjoying getting to know my baby. I’d like to have understood that, with babies, routine changes daily and that’s ok. I’d like to have gone with what felt right for my baby on that day. Tomorrow will be different but putting myself and my baby first without scrutinising every move, burp and nap I’m sure would have been less stressful.’
Catherine, mum to two boys
‘What I wish I had known when my little one was a newborn baby, everything from lack of sleep mainly, to crying, not eating properly, or cluster feeding, is that it’s just a stage that will pass, just brace yourself and wait for it to end, cuddling and soothing your baby instead of wasting your energy on trying to fix these ‘issues’ by the book.’
Maria, mum to Eva
‘Get a thermal cup. Always make sure you have a drink when you sit down to feed (and tv remote)
Make a hot tea before you go to bed. It’ll still be hot when you wake up for the night feeds.
Accept help when offered.
Trust your instinct.
Put a clean top for yourself in the change bag.
Don’t buy baby clothes with buttons up the back.
Double layer the cot (protector & sheet, protector & sheet) If they pee or vomit you can just peel the top layer off.
Wear your baby.
Don’t compare yourself or baby to anyone else.
Try to leave the house even if it’s for a 10 minute walk.’
Lindsay, mum to Orson and Betty
’Positive thinking and positive language goes such a long way ... growth spurt instead of sleep regression, whoop for all the wins like an extra 30 mins sleep, making awesome new friends and use your support networks as much as you need - you've got this!!’
Emma, mum to Bea
’Being a Parent is something that can break you, shatter you to pieces, it’s the most joyful, most glorious day of your life, having a miracle...yet it’s the day your self starts to dismantle bit by bit, piece by piece, the heart aches, the brain fades, the body changes...But, have faith, have faith and patience in that miracle as that miracle shall grow and the pieces shall bring glorious joys again and again.’
Rayan, mum to Adam and Aidan
’1. The way you do things may get challenged along the way but always trust your gut instinct with the way you parent and what’s right for your little one.
2. Say yes to help - don’t feel bad about it. People want to help. We used to live in bigger communities back in the day so helping each other would be the norm.
3. Do whatever you need to do to get some sleep. Even if it means they end up in bed with you sometimes. It won’t last forever! 4. Don’t rush around trying to do too much. All most kids want is to be near you and for you to be present with them.’
Sam, mum to Roshi and Iromi
’My thought about motherhood is please don’t worry about others judging you about any decisions you make for yourself or your kids. Any mother knows you’re doing your best and only you know what’s best for your family. And those who do judge you, well they are simply not worth your precious time!
And mostly be kind to yourself. I think forever we will face mum guilt; am I a good enough mum, have I made the right decision for them, how will this impact their future, I wish I didn’t loose my temper today..... At the end of the day you will provide the greatest love to these mini humans and that kind of love is invaluable.’
Kam, mum to Xander and Archer
" EAT! our bodies don't 'spring' back after having a baby, it's unrealistic and unhealthy to think otherwise, so go for it, EAT what you want, when you want it, especially if you're breastfeeding! Some people put on 1 stone and some people put on 3 stone (that was me!). You have all the time in the world to get your former baby body back, if you want it, and if you don't, then that's fine too! But EAT now, either way! "
Holly, Chef and Nutritional therapist, and mum to Effie and Lealo
’I’d say try not to give a shit what you ‘think people might think’ about this or that. Hard to do sometimes, granted. Trust yourself - you can do this, and you do learn along the way.’
Zoe, mum to Areece, Esme and Orin
’I would say - be patient and always ask for help because people want to help and support you. For me, breastfeeding has been such a journey. I thought it would just work from the start but with the right support and patience - I’m there and I love it. Being a mummy is the best thing in the world.’
Claire, mum to Jack
’I'd probably say don't clock watch at night (although I always did!) - knowing how many (or few!) hours sleep you got really doesn't help . And be kind to yourself... it's tough no matter who you are or what you're doing.’
Sara, mum to Sophie and George
‘Stuff your freezer full of meals for the first 6 weeks. Then you don’t have to think about what to eat. Before you sit down to feed make sure you have everything YOU need: a good position, a big glass of water and the remote control in easy reach!’
Lisa, mummy to Euan
So I think you’ll see a running theme in these stories, go gently, be kind to yourself and trust what you think is right for you and your baby. You are a beautiful mother.
“the moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.”
Copyright of The Minimalist Doula 2020