Matrescence
This is a word you may or may not be familiar with, it’s new to me too…please watch the video first, it is a game changer to how we see the transition to becoming a mother.
So matrescence can be summarised as a huge period of change, hormonally, physically, mentally and emotionally as you become a Mum. Where there is big changes there is also going to be stress, resistance, struggle, difficulty letting go and moving forward as well as shedding, accepting and surrendering. We really cannot underestimate this time, by doing so, we miss out on so much…the growth, the learning, the unlearning, the getting to know your true self, the gifts that come with changing and the freedom from past beliefs that may have been limiting you.
However with so much change all at once, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and unsettled. It would ask so much of you to just simply, ‘get on with it’. However that is often the expectation of ourselves and from others but what can be so much more helpful and gentle is bringing more awareness to this time and let yourself feel everything that you need to. They’ll be days of pure joy and they’ll also be darker days but that’s ok, life is messy and full of both. There is no room for perfectionism in motherhood. There is no right way to do this, only your beautiful way that you’ll find as you journey as a mother. Yes it’ll be emotional but what’s the alternative, burying these feelings and then what?
I would like to look at some difficult topics with you in this section. As a mother who experienced postnatal anxiety, I have had my own struggles with the postnatal period and as a doula, I have walked alongside other mothers who are also struggling.
Anxiety
I can’t make a course of this nature and not talk about anxiety. A very personal topic of mine and one that has led to enormous changes in my life. I am very happy to say, that my anxiety is at an all time low but it hasn’t always been this way. If you are in a very different place, I only share this with you to know, it can get better and to offer reassurance that there is lots you can do to make yourself feel better.
So what is anxiety?
Well first of all, we all have anxiety to some degree, it’s our safety mechanism and essential to our well being. Anxiety is like a sensor system letting us know when there is danger around so we can get to safety. Basically it’s our fear radar and initiates the fight, flight or freeze response in the body so we can react as we need to and stay safe. However these days, danger isn’t in the forms of running away from saber tooth tigers, it might be more like a scary thought which can trigger the same response in the body. An anxiety disorder is often diagnosed when these thoughts get out of control (called intrusive thoughts) and you spend a lot of your time feeling fearful even if your reality is actually quite safe. There are many different things which can trigger an anxious time such as a major life event, prolonged stress and many other factors. So it’s pretty normal that birth and motherhood may trigger these feelings. However some people will notice these thoughts and let go of them easily (again we all have intrusive thoughts to varying degrees) and some won’t. It’s when these thoughts start taking over that it’s important to seek support. You may be going out less because you feel fearful about being away from the comfort of your own home. It might show up in excessive hand washing for fear of passing on germs to your baby, this is also bordering on OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) where you start performing certain rituals to combat the feelings of anxiety. Again we all do these things to small degrees but if it’s taking over your everyday or making you feel bad, it’s important to seek help. PANDAS (who this course supports) is a great starting point.
Something I think anxiety sufferers have to do though, is take responsibility and I call it radical responsibility. This comes back to self care and looking after ourselves in a radical way. It is my belief that anxiety sufferers are gentle, sensitive beings and basically life is just a bit much. So it’s really important for you to take full responsibility for your well being. No one else is going to tell you to take a break especially as a mother, you need to do that for yourself. You need to be able to ask for help. For me, now, I see anxiety as a gift. It’s telling you something. It’s your mind and body’s way of saying, this is too much, slow down, go a bit more gently and often these signs and symptoms are ignored in our fast paced, busy society. So things often get worse before they get better. Have you ever been ill and said, "‘I’ve just got to get through this week and then I can be ill!’ We’re so used to pushing our bodies, keeping going, not wanting to let people down etc but at the end of the day you are doing this at your own expense. Think of a busy day you’ve had recently, did you cram that one more meeting in, or squeeze something into your lunch break instead of taking five minutes for yourself? All that pushing leads to stress, stress builds adrenaline and a build up of adrenaline can lead to feelings of anxiety.
If you are feeling anxious please seek support. Talk to someone you trust, go to your GP, they can refer you for therapies or medicines, whichever you feel will serve you best, it took me a long time to seek the support I needed and I wish I’d got help sooner. There is absolutely no shame in these feelings.
Postnatal depression
Postnatal depression affects 1 in 10 women in the first year after birth. It is something that is not always easy to recognise as it can build gradually. You may have heard of the baby blues which is common around day 3 or 4 when your milk comes in and you experience a hormone dip and those typical baby blues could continue into the first couple of weeks while you adjust to everything. However postnatal depression is prolonged low mood, difficulty bonding with your baby, you may withdraw from the outside world and it’s so important if something doesn’t feel right to seek help. You can chat to your midwife or GP and they can discuss your options with you. There is some more information here with more useful links. Please know that you are not alone if you are experiencing difficult feelings and seeking support is a brave and necessary step.
I would like to touch on some less obvious ‘illnesses’ that can really impact on your experience of motherhood.
Perfectionism
‘Perfectionism is often defined as the need to be or appear to be perfect, or even to believe that it's possible to achieve perfection’
Do you think you are a perfectionist? This might not be an obvious answer. I didn’t at all. My house wasn’t tidy, my hair wasn’t neat, I definitely didn’t have that look of I’ve got my sh*t together and it wasn’t until I stumbled across an article about internal perfectionism that I realised I actually was. Trying to be perfect is setting yourself up for failure straight away. There is no perfect, is there? And whose version of perfect are you trying to be? Perfectionism stems from childhood and is often embedded in the early years when we believed we had to be perfect to be loved. ‘Perfect’ behaviour meant love, affirmation, rewards with a certain type of parenting and it has led to a protective way of being to make sure you’re ok. However, being perfect is a tall order. It’s draining and you can never do enough. Can you imagine how hard it is to be a perfect mother? I’m telling you now it’s impossible! There are no perfect mothers and trying to be one will hurt you. It will ask so much of you that you won’t be able to keep up and something will have to give eventually.
So if you are a perfectionist, in any form, how do you shake it? Well, in my experience you have to practice your way out of it. Whatever rituals and habits you have in place each day to live up to the perfect standards you set yourself, you need to practice not doing them. If you wear a full face of make up each day, try wearing a little less, none might be a bold step but there is a very good chance as a Mum you won’t be able to put on your make up every day so practicing it now, helps it feel like less of a failure. Because you’re not failing at anything, it’s just you have different priorities now, a whole other life to care for and most days a shower feels like an absolute triumph. Love a tidy house and everything just so? How can you relax your standards a bit so when you get to the end of the day and the house is a mess, it’s ok? You don’t need to beat yourself up. It’s really easy to be hard on yourself but it’s much more helpful to be kind and know, this is just a time in your life that needs lower expectations and lower standards and that’s ok. You are not defined by your looks, your home, your ability to do a billion things at once, you are lovable and worthy and beautiful, just as you are, on your hardest day.
People pleasing
People pleasing is another ruthless disease sometimes tied up with perfectionism. People pleasing is wanting to please everyone all the time, usually again at your expense. It is very hard to be yourself and please everyone around you so as a people pleaser you may not be being your true self. This can lead to resentment, doing too much and saying yes when you really mean no.
Do you think you are a people pleaser?
People pleasing is not the same as being kind. Being kind means you do things for others that you want to do and you have boundaries around this support. Often people pleasers have very few boundaries and this can lead to total burnout. Can you see how being a people pleaser and being a Mum could be a recipe for disaster? Something you really need in your new postnatal world is the word no. Seriously no, can mean the difference between postnatal anxiety and not. No is protective, no means I need a rest, I won’t do too much, I’m putting me and my baby first and THAT IS OK. It may feel completely alien to put yourself first, for most of us it does. However it is time to look after yourself. If you know meeting that friend for a coffee that day will be too much, it’s ok to cancel or ask them to come to you and bring cake…let people look after you. You are going through a lot and it’s time to change things for your own well being.
If you are reading this still pregnant try using the word no…you know that feeling when you know it’ll be too much but you don’t want to let someone down, try it and see how it feels.
Self worth & accepting and asking for help
Perfectionism and people pleasing is really tied up with our self worth. A lot of us run that script of we’re not good enough and it’s a script we’ve probably carried with us for most of our lives. But YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, more than that, you’re WONDERFUL, just as you are. We need to shed that feeling that we must earn love, approval, support etc, we deserve all the good things in life simply by being ourselves. The postnatal period is a challenging time but it can be made easier when we practice self love and acceptance and when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Letting people in, asking for help, knowing it’s ok to not do it all, even if you can, do you want to? You’ve probably heard that phrase, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’, well it also takes us allowing the village to help us. When babies are born, funny, magical things happen. People are drawn to new babies, people offer to bring you things, come over and help, be an extra pair of hands but it’s up to you to say ‘yes please’ and take that help on board. It can bring you closer to family and friends to let them in, imagine how you would feel if a friend asked for help? Would you judge them? Or would you feel honoured to be trusted with their heart? It’s ok to ask for help and with a new baby it can make all the difference to your maternity leave.
Letting go & beliefs - expectations vs reality
So speaking of maternity leave, it’s a great place to start to talk about letting go of expectations. I’ve met plenty of Mums (myself included) who had this beautiful vision of mat leave being a time to hang out with their baby, see friends, start new projects and generally feel like they would have lots of time to themselves. However of course, a new baby means lots of time alone with them but it can also feel lonely. Humble, repetitive days spent at home but never finding time for yourself can soon feel overwhelming and like you are doing something wrong. Imagining all the other mothers having a wonderful time enjoying themselves and you’re not, you’re the failure. But no, this is not the case, mat leave is a designated period of time to get to know your baby and your new Mum self and it’s work. It will push you and test you and challenge you but you’ll get through it with the most beautiful moments of your life thrown in and you’ll be amazed at your strength and ability to do a lot one handed. There will also be special days filled with love and friends and cake. This beautiful article from Emma from nama mama really captures it.
There will be all kinds of beliefs that you hold about how to be a mother, how to be a family, what your baby ‘should’ be like and as hard as it is, you need to shed it all. Let go and be in the moment, see yourself with kind, warm eyes and journey…
Matrescence
Has my view changed on how to view this period of my life as I become a new mother?
Do I know what to look out for and where to go for support if needed?
Who would I trust if I needed to talk to someone?
What can I practice to make my life easier?
What beliefs might I need to look at?
So we, as mothers, can have added sensitivities at this time and so can our babies…
Copyright of The Minimalist Doula 2020